Sunlight is singing me a lullaby and I don't want to open my eyes. I can still hear myself dreaming and I don't know how to stop this catatonic ride. I cant recall the last time I felt easy, the last time I could lie in this bed without feeling so empty and drained. 

A time without this weight on my chest. A time without this overwhelming pain. I feel nothing at all, and at the same time I feel everything. It’s like carrying the weight of the world while being trapped in chains.

I don’t know the little girl who once felt joy. she feels so distant, like a stranger, like a story. Like a dream, I see her vaguely. Was I ever her? or is she from my dreams? Because she was flying all the time but now can’t even fight the gravity to stand upright.

Daddy called me his princess, his Happiness and Joy, Mommy told me I’m a warrior and I can be who I want to be.

When I was 7 I knew I was meant to be someone who the world looks up to, someone who will leave a mark. a leader. a fighter. a star in the sky!

Now the world scares me, it suffocates me, it drains me, and I can’t breathe. I need to feel whole again, break free of this mental prison cell.

The snake slithered up my back and wrapped around my chest, and bit down hard where my shoulders met my neck. Hello my friend. You are back again I see, to whisper stories to me, stories about how I’m a nobody.

"Mommy's wrong, you can't be anybody you want to be, your brain is making a personal hell and those flames will consume you, the world doesn't need you, it's better off without you.”

STOP!

Snake Monster ! this is not how my story ends. I am a fighter I’m a survivor I’m the chaos of the world. I choose to stand tall and I will rise above it all....

But this heaviness still runs across my chest, it weighs down on my shoulders and my neck.

This strain in my breath, this knot in my gut, these voices that keep dancing in my head! This endless loop of chaos! this profound sadness! This world of greyness! When will I see the colours again?

'Snap out of it, it's all in your head!' You are ungrateful; there is nothing to be so sad about!'  'You are just lazy, stop overreacting!'

– The voices clamour on.

'she was so young',  'why did she do this to herself?' 'Only if she could have been braver'

–They dance around.

No! This is not how my story ends. I am not the girl who was found dead on her bed on a cold night.

This is not how it ends. I’m enough. I deserve a bold beautiful life.

Have I forgotten how to breath?

Inhale hard: The snake talks. Spits poison into my brain. OH! How will I fight it?

Exhale hard: Air, my life force! Please cleanse me, stop this poison from devouring me.

This battle, this is real for me, its life or death, it’s me or him. But I know, when the dust settles down I’ll be the last one standing, I will win back my life.

He has buried me 6 feet under my thoughts. But I am seed you see, I will grow toward the sunlight. I will rise and bloom.

The wind is calling my name, I must go. Follow her till my soul

feels whole.

The sun, the breeze, the sounds of buzzing life! Let me embrace you, because today I’m the champion. Today I am alive.

I Guess I haven’t forgotten how to smile. It’s just that, it’s been a while.

“Depression is a common illness worldwide, with more than 300 million people affected. It can cause the affected person to suffer greatly and function poorly at work, at school and in the family. Close to 800 000 people die due to suicide every year. Although there are known, effective treatments for depression, fewer than half of those affected in the world (in many countries, fewer than 10%) receive proper treatments. Barriers to effective care include a lack of resources, lack of trained health-care providers, and social stigma associated with mental disorders “  W.H.O